The Talk

Two nights ago I didn't have sex. Wife and I were going to, but didn't. Instead we watched some movie while I "tried" to start things.

A little more about myself... I'm a very... thoughtful guy. Sometimes I think too much about what I'm doing and how it will affect her. When I think too much I tend to not do ANYthing. It's terrible. I get very frustrated with myself because I fucked it up. I mean I know it's my fault. She's laying there with her legs spread a little bit over my legs and letting me touch her pretty much anywhere I want, but I don't. I end up wondering if it's too soon to finger her (because she's said she needs to "get out of mommy mode" before she can do anything). So I wonder how soon it takes to get out of mommy mode, and I don't rub her pussy like I want to. I could reach up and play with her breasts. She's a 48DD and I LOVE her boobs. Love them. Love love love love love, but not to the exclusion of all else, and she knows they're not the reason I love her. I don't play with those either though because the night before she said she didn't want to me start something "by just playing with her tits all night." So I remembered that and I didn't want to just rub her breasts.

So all of that went into me essentially just rubbing her legs and belly for two whole hours. Yep. FOR TWO HOURS I FUCKED THINGS UP. When we finally went to sleep around 1:45 she says, "So I guess I won't get my hopes up when you say we're going to have sex." What the fuck? Who says that? Does that piss anyone else off like it does me? Not only do I know it's my fault, but now she wants to throw in a jibe about it? I do not say things in anger. I don't. Once you say something you can't take it back no matter how much you apologize. It's been said. So I didn't say anything; I want to sleep. What could I have said that wouldn't have been filled with anger? That's not me. Sure I get angry, but I don't lash out or make comments like that. I know she was disappointed but handle it another fucking way!

So that was two nights ago. Last night we went out for a drive to talk. We do that sometimes after the nurse gets there when we have to discuss something important. So I basically took all the blame for everything. Once she said what she was doing it was obvious I was the problem. Every time she got up, she was up on her hands and knees for me and I didn't touch her. She wasn't covering her boobs with her arms (basically blocking me from getting to them). She wasn't stopping me and didn't say anything about being tired or not wanting to do anything. So it was all my fault and I know it. It's not like I  had any doubts before that though. I was fully aware it was my problem.

I just don't know why the fuck I do it. Most of the time I'm ready to stick my dick in anything that moves. Yesterday I had to restrain myself from slapping a coworkers ass when she bent over in a tight pair of jeans. I mean I'm horny ALLLLLLLLL the time. So of course I mess it up when I get the chance to actually slip my dick in her. So it was a very sucky couple of nights.

We talked and went home. Usually after those talks we bone for an hour, but I was really exhausted. I was just exhausted with being frustrated with myself. It's be easier if I could point to something and say, "Aha! YOU'RE the reason I think too much. YOU'RE the fucker screwing with me." I can't though. It just happens. No sex tonight or this weekend because we don't have a nurse, so I'll have to watch the kiddo all night. Maybe Monday... Who knows?