Tuesday, August 6, 2013


I've opened this up the past few days to write something... and nothing comes out. Every other minute of the day I can recount something that keeps my heart pumping faster. Every other minute of the day I get a little glimpse of some woman in the office and I quickly have a still photo of her topless in my head. My life's not terribly exciting now. Maybe that's it. I had the one-night stands and exciting adventures before I got married. I love my wife, and I'm in love with her, but she's not very adventorous.

She's fun and great and beautiful, but there's something not there. I'm the kind of person that wants to get sucked in the car on the way to work, or slowly fuck you in the backseat of the car at the drive-in. No, it's not because I'm a guy. It's about being a type of person, gender doesn't matter. Plenty of women want those things too. She does... occassionally.

Of course, having a child doesn't help the sex life. Any couple with kids can probably attest to that. Plus our child has some disabilities that require constant supervision, so we can't just let her play in the other room while mom's on her knees gobbling daddy's cock. I wouldn't say we don't have desire, we just have to keep finding new things to do.

Last night she offered butt-sex but I honestly just wanted to sleep. I've said before that I'm a nice guy so I was worried that by saying that I would make her feel bad or that I didn't think her ass was good enough. That's the kind of fucking shit I deal with. Her self-confidence is so bad that I have to always watch what I say in case it might be taken badly. It's not MY fault. I'm a builder; the kind of person that builds up the people around them. I do NOT tear down in any way. Why on earth would anyone do that to someone they love? I applaud and compliment and help. It's to the point in our relationship though where I don't really compliment her because I'm tired of having to convince her "I'm not just saying that". That I actually mean it. It's a lot of work and I don't have much energy for it. We've talked about before. Nothing really changes there though. So life goes on... and on... and on.

Now this is going to sound very, VERY bad; but I promised to be honest. It's even in the title of the blog. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if they were both in a car accident and died. I told you it was bad. I don't wonder fondly or anything like that. It's not like I'm plotting revenge or anything. Don't you wonder how your life might have turned out differently if something had or hadn't happened? Don't judge me too harshly. I don't want any hard to come to them. Gods no! My mind just wanders sometimes... I really can't imagine how sad I'd be.

Let me give you a little background on my daughter. We knew there were going to be problems very early on in the pregnancy. Around 32 weeks we went for a weekly checkup (because of the problems) and my daughter's heart rate was really low. So we went over to the hospital and had an unscheduled C-section immediately. Now we were very lucky. There are only two pediatric surgeons in our city, and they were both in that hospital at that time. My daughter went immediately from the C-section to an incubation table where they needed my permission to send her to surgery. I saw her for 5 seconds and told them to get her the fuck in there. She needed an airway immediately. She was born without a lower jaw. Think about that. She couldn't breathe so the surgeons had to put in a trach tube immediately. They also put in a feeding tube at the same time. She spent 6 weeks in the NICU and my wife didn't get to see her until... 6 hoursish after the C-section. We spent 5 days in the hospital for my wife to recover. So it's not been all fun and games with the kiddo. Meetings with doctors and plastic surgeons and respiratory therapists, and home healthcare and anyone else who wants in on this.

That's a bit of background. I'm a "deal with it and try to find something good" kind of person though. So I didn't break down and cry or lose it or anything like that. My wife cried a lot, but I didn't. I don't cry. What was the point? It wouldn't help; and I'm nothing if not logical. It can be a nuisance. Anyway, one night a couple years ago the wife and I went out driving after the nurse got there at 11pm to watch our daughter (11pm to 7am). We'd go out driving if we had things to talk about that would end up in an argument or yelling. I don't yell. Pointless if you're trying to get someone to come around to your way of thinking. So we're out driving and her whole problem was that I didn't seem to care about kiddo's development. I didn't know when she sound be sitting up or building things or stacking blocks or toilet-trained or when the car-seat should be turned around or any of a hundred things. She was right. I didn't know any of those things. I didn't particularly care about them either. My wife knew them so why should I learn them all? It's not like I can argue with "Turn seat around when child reaches ## pounds." So there wouldn't be a debate or anything over the knowledge. She was getting pretty mad at me because I said I really didn't care about any of that stuff and I was just happy to have to have kiddo there. We were then arguing about how much to feed her and whether to include puree food for extra calories. I may not remember this next part verbatim, but I think she said something like, "This stuff's important! What the hell's wrong with you that you don't care about it?!" I looked at her for a second and then said, "I don't care about any of that because I get to feed her. I get....to....feed.....her. She's here. She's alive, and none of that other stuff matters right now." I teared up and I knew they were coming down my cheeks. I looked straight down the road and she looked at me for a minute or two and then asked if I was OK to keep driving. I told her I was fine.

This is what happens when I start typing. I set out to tell you I couldn't come up with anything and now I've got a lot. I wish I knew if anyone was reading this...

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